Let’s skip the preface about HOW I got in the following situation, and just accept it as is.

This afternoon I found myself needing both a means of transportation and my bicycle in downtown Santa Barbara at the same time in order to visit the best bike shop in Santa Barbara. Unfortunately for me:
A) I live about 3 miles from downtown SB and
B) My “means of transportation” is a borrowed Vespa belonging to my good friends Aaron and Kim.

Which begs the question, how do you get a bicycle into downtown with just a Vespa? Answer: very carefully.

I therefore hoped on the hog, practiced manouvering these four wheels (bike + Vespa, if that math was too hard for you) between my garage and the end of the driveway, and from there it was out onto the open roads. I put a lot of thought into my route of choice and unfortunately, the shortest route is also the busiest. There are, however, very few traffic lights and stop signs on this main route, so I went for it. Additionally, there’s a generous and well distinguished bike lane so I figured that just by riding along at sub-20 mph, I’d be safe if I ran into the po-po.

And seriously, not even one minute into the ride, I was passed by a police car. Eye contact? Check. No lights, no siren? Phew, home clear!

About five minutes later, I’m now getting mildly close to the shop (which, if you run some mathematic differentials, you’ll realize that I was probably exceeding my aforementioned 20mph. You would be right, but only by a few mphs). Another cop. Lights? Yes. Siren? Thankfully that was unnecessary. So I immediately ditched my bike, gave the Vespa 90 degrees of wrist tilt for full-gas, and outran the cop by hiding a dark and deep alleyway! Muhahahaa.

Actually no, that last part is a lie. But I did in fact get pulled over, which was both hilarious and embarrassing. The policewoman kindly asked me what I was doing while obviously biting her tongue to not laugh at me. I explained my situation, how I don’t have any friends in town who have cars (at this instance at this very moment, this is both sad and true), how my bike is currently inoperable and therefore needs to go to the bike shop (I prefaced this blog by telling you to these details as fact; don’t bother asking why), and that my only vehicle happens to be a fantastic yellow Vespa (yes, fantastic).

As an added bonus, I explained to the woman that I had moments ago passed another police car and he seemed fine with me merely congesting the bike lane and not the roads. This excuse didn’t fly, however, since she quickly retorted that he was in fact the cop who called in my illegal biking-while-err…-biking technique.

Scene of the Crime

Meanwhile the second po-po rolled up as backup in case I was getting surly. When I saw the two police officers conversing – and laughing at me – I realized I was probably going to elude the long arm of the law.

Blah blah blah, I explained the same situation to the second cop, who also had to bite his tongue to not crack a smile, then we chucked the bike into the back of the cruiser, with wheels in the trunk, and I got a police escort to the bike shop.

Ticket? No. Warning to never ever ever do what I was doing, ever again? Yes. Lesson learned.

p.s. As you may know KoS disapproves of text faces and abbreviations, but completely endorses italics.

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